Questions well thought out will take flight forever. Questions well founded bring success in hopeful endeavors. We who were spending through a long heartache, will grow a whole wonderful world within. We are all travellers in this greatest tragedy. Where to begin ? How to begin ?

Who am I to you ? Why do you live ? How do you love ? What do you mean ? When can you start ?

The history of the war between reading palms and tea leaves, or believing in ill experienced strike down of helpful deeper meanings. A reminder of the world war on truth, beauty, freedom, and love. With an unconventional will, our souls are certain to rise above.

Who am I to you ? Why do you live ? How do you love ? What do you mean ? When can you start ?

We'll learn about the worlds untold and everything surrounding... this, that, the other, but then again everything's astounding. In the good grace of what you may strive toward, maybe someday we'll be well deserved to be alive more. From there we can find something else within the mind... build a strong abiding faith in human kind.

Who am I to you ? Why do you live ? How do you love ? What do you mean ? When can you start ?

But a trust in the inherent importance and goodwill of others, must be built carefully and gradually with our sisters and brothers. I falter greatly but less often than at first. The slate of wrongs daily wiped clear, as with rebirth.

Who am I to you ? Why do you live ? How do you love ? What do you mean ? When can you start ?

I wrote and posted this piece last week, but was very unsatisfied with it. So, I made a few changes. To understand the title better, and how it applies, look up Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel by the same name.

​​Through the complexity, I have found a strange, intrinsic presence in the periodic untying of my mind.  I  have spoken of this before:  this dive into entropy, this deathly peace.  Hope in presence springs eternal moments of inspiration, when simplicity is revealed for that which was once beyond our comprehension.  The presence at the source of my awakening is none other than all mankind's common heartache.

Thankfully, that pain grounds us in humility, reminds us of our humanity and our mortality.  It allows us to feel, to develop a sense of empathy.  It helps us because we sense our soul again, because it quiets rampant thoughts, silences the ego, preparing us for better things.

In this hopeful truth, we develop a deepening appreciation for all that is in this vast universe.  Not because it is infinite, but because we are transient beings.  We exist as both a part of, yet simultaneously apart from, all of creation.

With this incorporeal heartache, we travel through life, traveling upon firmer ground for the soul.  We are imbued with further opportunity for clarity within, and some day the minister's black veil will be lifted from our eyes.

Sad thing to trust, but sometimes you lose, no matter how hard you've been working to prove.  Though we can't loosen the grip of our demons within, it's the only place that a true change can begin.  But no need to covet answers from above.  Only keep close the song of the dove.

A subtle change in view, like a flickering light, can lead the longest loved to choose to take flight.  It leaves us with a dull ache begotten, the pang of their passions never forgotten.  But no need to covet answers from above.  Only keep close the song of the dove.

Outside of our minds lies a crippling world.  There are terrible things done in the name of flags unfurled.  Too much noise can create a cold, deafening silence, the presence of which entices fools to follow with violence.  Alas, no need to covet answers from above.  Only keep close the song of the dove.

-- Me

He was glad to be alive.  Now he's mad from being alone.  It's the worst way to go, when your mind's a home that you no longer own.  Too much time spent passing time.  In his search for some proof of enlightenment, to fix the hole in his roof where the light gets in...  the whole of his head came crashing down, under the weight of going in circles, and now...

In circles, his mind goes in circles.  His mind is not his own.  In certain circumstances...  in certain circle dances, throughout the four seasons, his mind is not his own.  His life's a reminder to be forgotten.

Sometimes the mirror shows the confusion in his eyes.  Sometimes the mirror shows a conclusion to goodbyes.  The roots of our existence are true in their persistence, as we try to live lives of fortitude and pride.  No remorse from the source of our trials, just a grave case of hysterical survival.

In circles, his mind goes in circles.  His mind is not his own.  In certain circumstances...  in certain circle dances, throughout the four seasons, his mind is not his own.  His life's a reminder to be forgotten.

"​How long have we been covered by the clouds of confusion ?  All the hapless delusions bring only beautiful illusions.  Such pain not included, these dreams were concluded.  It becomes crystal clear why the banishment of fear (the essential concern from which we learn) can never leave the ground.  If we are to be sound of mind, then remembering our mortality must become divine.

Intelligence can become an attractive sense, if it is placed carefully so in an apropos scenario.  Entropy qualifies as such:  a gradual decline into chaos, an infinite loss.  But logic can impose order, as we grow older...  until the heart is strong enough to allow itself to heal.  Only then can the soul feel a renewed sense of purpose, and carry on in this circus."

​-- Me

After finishing my search through the journals covering my 20's in Milwaukee, I found almost no usable material for my current project:  the 50 piece poetry book.  Seems like I poured everything of any importance into Kuderski and my 2 albums together.  That's all good and fine, but I really did, and still do, have high expectations where my creative abilities are concerned.

There are two songs that didn't make the cut for my solo debut.  I simply thought that my vocal delivery just wasn't up to standards.  You know, I couldn't seem to get it out right.  So, I'm reworking them both.  Either way, the price of the album will NOT be raised.  Meaning that if you buy the whole release, you'll have 14 songs for the cost of 7 songs.

Fortunately, I'm drawing inspiration from the novel I have been writing.  No progress adding to the novel, but I've found plenty related to the deeper content of the human condition.  "What's it all about" takes center stage for many of us, but especially during our 30's and later in life.  Maybe it relates to more of us then because the days of our youth move further and further behind us, distant memories in a linear progression of time.  Only time will tell, but the world seems far more promising now.

That's really all for now.  To be honest, the day to day, humdrum roll of it all taxes me much greater these days.  My last blog, that I wrote yesterday, addressed all of those subjects, so if you're interested in that sort of testimonial topic it's right there for you.  I hope that this posting finds you doing well and in good spirits.  If not, may you discover the root of your discontent, and tear that weed out of the ground.  Take care, and best wishes to you.

In my last blog, I waxed poetic about my first true relationship that was both romantic and serious.  I just read over that blog, and I think this time, I'm going to wax philosophical and only a little poetic about the relationship that I have shared with my life partner for the passed 13 years, 7 months, and 19 days.  We have shared highs and lows for certain, but their are traits of my partner and I that keeps us together.  I would like to explore those here with you.

I'm not really a fan of posting a lot of memes.  Over time, I've come to consider most of them to not really say much of any importance.  Sure, I've had my favorites, most of which I'll add on my 2 cents about what is said.  One thing ties most of them together, I suppose.

I reach out to those whom might be going through a rough patch.  I have always considered myself to have a vagabond mentality, the heart of a black sheep, and have been dubbed by many as an old soul.  As William Patrick Corgan (Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins) penned:  "I sensed my loss before I even learned to speak."  So I guess it's just in me to identify with wallflowers.

There's a Catch 22 there.  Get too close and you get hurt, but you have to see people in order to help out, if and when you can.  My trouble lies in that delicate balance in my life.  So, I tend to walk outside of it all, with my heart on my sleeve.  I do my best to be kind, true, and necessary in my thoughts, words, and actions.  That's how I live with myself, day to day.

I met my life partner in that way.  We share the same kind of heart, mind, and soul.  Our weaknesses and strengths mostly compliment each other, and we are both talented and skilled in artistic means and ways.  We are by no means perfect people, but it's my firm belief that we are perfect for each other.  For me to ask for anything more is foolish, pretentious, and pointless.

So, as you may have surmised, I love him dearly and our relationship is anything but sensible for me.  But I will never cheat on him or look for any romantic or relationship other than ours.  When I cheated in my past, I lost everything and almost everyone for whom I dearly cared.  I am by no means willing to part ways with my partner, everything I have gained, and everything that I have accomplished since.  That may seem completely self-interested; but if I don't care for myself, how am I supposed to care for anyone else ?

With that, I think that I have said everything that needs said.  It has been brewing within for a good amount of time now, and I have written all of this in one, convoluted stream-of-consciousness, and in one sitting.  I will probably go back and make grammatical and spelling alterations, but that is really all.  I hope that some of this may have helped somebody else, in whatever way it may have helped, but mostly it was necessary in order to help me to make sense of everything in my mind, heart, and soul.  Take care of yourself, and take care of everything that you prize, and of everyone for whom you care.  Goodnight and best wishes to you.

At one moment in my youth, I lived briefly through rose-tinted visions, nineteen and reeling in the whirlwind of discovery, and maintaining some assemblance of mental order.  I had met and loved a few men my age, equally dazed and confounded by this paradoxical newness of purpose and devotion to reckless abandon.

The 1st taught me the disillusion in obsession.  The 2nd taught me that there were actual men who lusted after me.  The 3rd gave me the ability to admit I had a lot to learn in lovers' arms.  The 4th taught me unrequited love is a sickness to be cured by abandonment.  And then, there was you, my 1st true love.

I will always feel your trauma inside of me. No apologies can ever do it justice. You were a trembling lover who only let go...  as I brushed the hair back over your ear while you slept.  The French have named it a little death that left you excising demons in my arms, You caught truth inside the words of Emily Dickinson.

"The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering;
  
And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty (privilege) to die."

By means of writing our names in strange signatures, you scribbled that passage of her poem by the side, and I felt it my duty and privilege to mend and sanctify your struggling and suffering.  Your kind of insanity was prudent, necessary for your survival. You thought you were lucky to have me.  But I fell from the grace of our exaltation.

I have no reason other than the confusion within between my mind, heart, and flesh.  Split from reason, voices around and inside myself beckoned me to try rekindling my obsessions, my lust for more than sanctity and safety.  I betrayed you, and I can't forgive myself for the ignorance and lust for more than what I had always dreamed.

I never did and won't ever deserve you.  I do this, go through this...  daily.  But if you should need me, for any reason, other than the love I yearned to have for decades, seek me out.  I will not bite at the chance to return to your love.  This yearning wishes not to be forgiven; that isn't how life and the unknown play out mankind's destiny.  I can't promise a perfection in time.  To know that you are safe and relatively sound, that is my bond...  for whatever it is worth.

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.”

– Harper Lee
To Kill A Mockingbird


Many parts of my life fall under this definition of courage.  Without courage, confidence is impossible to possess. There is no reason to persist if you don't gain confidence from what you have accomplished, and then by that means gain the ability to believe in what you will accomplish.

Love takes courage to carry on and to see it through.  There's another quote by an unknown author that says that sometimes courage is a quiet hope at the end of the day, of a voice saying "I'll try again tomorrow".  Too many times I backed down when I shouldn't have, withholding my truth and apologizing for making things too difficult for my lovers.  It would have been wonderful if I hadn't.  That's one of my faults:  lack of courage in dealing with my partners of the past.  Compromise is the truth learned with age, but learn from me and don't sell yourself short in love.

Determination to pursue your passion in your vocation also takes courage.  I can't count the number of times that I've put down my passion as silly or pointless.  Like the quote at the beginning of this rant, that's not the point of doing it.  All success should be celebrated, but it's the difficult work that's most worth doing.

Another of my faults here is not surrounding myself with helpers.  I was encouraged to stand alone and be self-reliant, but to the point of turning away others when they tried to be there for me.  When they tried to help me see that everybody needs help in some aspect of their lives at most times.  My life's work is one place where I should have learned that earlier, and I only have myself to blame for it.  I squandered my opportunities with inaction, when my current partner professed his belief in me, in so many aspects of myself and my life.  I don't intend to make that mistake again.

So to you, the audience, please take these ramblings of a madman, what I have professed...  keep them in your mind for those moments when you find yourself in similar situations.  Love is meant to be love with courage.  Life is meant to be lived with courage.  And your life's work is meant to be pursued with courage.  I hope you've found something that will help you this Spring, and possibly beyond this moment in time.  Class dismissed.

This song has taken the mantle as the favorite track from the album.  Listeners seem to identify best with it.  While I was recording it, I also enjoyed the process of laying down the vocals a lot.  Some songs...  you have to drag them out kicking and screaming.  But this one came pretty naturally and just seemed to flow easily.  Also, being radio friendly and having a pop sensibility, "Home within the Sacred Silences" has more people tuning in, and identifying with the message behind its lyrics.  Don't get me wrong; I am very happy about how it's being received.  So, keep tuning in...  and maybe stay around for a while, to hear what other songs might speak to on the inside of you.

To be honest, this song embodies the principle at the center of what I'd like to achieve with my music.  I have always been on the outside of the world looking in, but also looking inside of myself.  I want to inspire the black sheep of families, feeling at home on the island of misfit toys, to do the same.  It's one of the benefits of being an outsider looking in.  As they say in one of my favorite nostalgia movies, The Perks of being a Wallflower, "You see things, you keep quiet about them, and you understand".  It also helps the nostalgia factor that I grew up in Pittsburgh (where the movie takes place).

I'd like to share this, too.  Please...  don't give in to the dark or the light, but maintain a balance between them, on the inside.  Spiritual or not spiritual, there is always something under the stars, and among the stars, to learn.  I'll close with a second quote from Carl Jung, a man whose work has always resonated with me.  Take care, my friends, and try to enjoy the short time that we're around.

"In the last analysis, the essential thing is the life of the individual. In our most private and most subjective lives we are not only the passive witnesses of our age, and its sufferers, but also its makers.  We make our own epoch."

​--  Carl Jung

This is a piece that I've been kicking around in my head, and intend to add to the 50+ poems for my upcoming book of poetry:  Cornucopious.  It's by no means finished, but I figured that it marks where my mind has been recently, so I decided to share it with you.  Feel free to comment on your thoughts about the subject, and where you are in this dreamy process that we call life.


"Delusions of Humans"
--Hobbes Deutsch, Jr.

​Your own home, and the others you've known, leave indelible marks on parts of your soul.  I'm certain that I could not make amens, for the wrongs I have done to strangers and friends.  And the cost is far too great when our company we have come to hate.

Oh, the delusions of we humans: we break love to make love.  Whether past, present, or future; there's no healing suture.

In this life, it seems that I can't achieve, the things which I can't bring myself to believe.  Existing in the company of thieves of the heart, is reason enough to grieve and fall apart.  But we pick up the pieces, and stitch up those wounds, to make scars of the creases, a Frankenstein monster doom.

Oh, the delusions of we humans: we break love to make love.  Whether past, present, or future; there's no healing suture.

Then as I follow the imperfect path, laid down to shield demons from God's wrath, I remember that even they were angels whom fell, from the lofty heavens into an imperfect hell.  And Satan always preferred a Chinese water torture reign.  So I hide my mortal weeping behind a fogged up window pane.  None know I mourn our passing under passion's wicked spell.  Unsympathetic daydreams rule our minds...  I cannot speak; I must not tell.

Oh, the delusions of we humans:  we break love to make love.  Whether past, present, or future; there's no healing suture.

For my next project, an old idea that my partner suggested, I am coming back to writing a poetry book.  It will have an example of as many of every type of poem that's out there.  Some examples, I've written one of Ginsberg's concoctions (The American Sentence), the Japanese invention (haiku),  and a few pieces loosely based on James Joyce's form:  the (Stream of Consciousness).

Having started, I am doing my very best to stray away from the last form as much as I can, seeing as how it's the most comfortable.  I need this project to challenge me, and am looking at possibly 50+ works to be included.

This Poetry book, tentatively titled "Cornucopious", has no future publication date as of yet.  Currently, there are 25 works completed.  I had more, but several poems were pulled from the list, while I was reworking the debut.  We'll have more on this story as it develops.

Below is an older poem slated for this project.  I wrote this 5 years ago, and it came up on Facebook as a memory post.  After working it over and over, I feel fairly confident in this liberal offshoot of a (Shakespearean Sonnet).  I hope that you enjoy reading it.  Comment below and let me know whichever way your opinions go. 


"Nomads & the Damage Done"

The ground massages his tried, tired feet
travels unbound upon barren concrete.
All of this reminds him to tread lightly
if he wants words to come out politely.
That would mean a lesser pain born nightly.

But oh, the times he tried to give and take
only made worse his troubles and heart ache.
And then when he cursed and swore at it all,
it only slightly slowed his certain fall,
leaving only crumbling stones from his wall.

And so he asks of me with final breath:
"Perchance, I solved the riddle before death ?

​I'd like to say a little about this album.  Released in the beginning of February, well...  this is the first time that I've tackled the subject of what this album means, and how it was created.  In fact,  it wasn't until the whole project was finished that I looked back and considered what songs fit and which should be hacked off of my debut.

Compared to the concept albums that Jake Kuderski and I recorded together, this seemed disconnected.  The only real central notion was that I wanted it to be contemplative, complicated, but blatantly honest.  "A Brush with Death (Condom-Nation)" is the album's shining example of it.  Those lyrics have been around since 1995, but when they met with the music it was lust at first bite.

I went back and forth, over and over the lyrics for "Imagination, Mind, Soul, and Heart" until I just threw them out all together and pasted in a little piece that is only four lines long.  It evolved from a charity account on Instagram. Each photo you shared had a filter that raised awareness for a specific charity. Then Johnson & Johnson donated a dollar to the cause that you chose.  My choice was a charity that helped fund a college student's education, hence the subject of my post.

So I was writing and composing separately, and kept smashing the two entities together.  Yet, somehow the message in the lyrics for each song evolved into something that still has a poetry to it, but especially "Truth of a Soul's Whole (Halloween)".  As I have grown, my take on Halloween is more aligned with El Dia de los Muertos or All Saints Day.  There's a justice to the chill of Autumn that for me will always be beautiful.

I have my testimonial, my update as to where I am in all of this, but the original forms of lyrics and compositions were slashed, crashed and burned.  Again, it was a well orchestrated train wreck of a process.  But from what I can sense of it, I'm pleased with my creation, and I have my favorite moments and songs.  I hope that it meets its audience and is well-received.  I can't wait to see how this turns out.

You and I, on the way through.  In these times, we have nothing to prove.  And we're true enough to, work through the tough, too.

Why the delay before our purpose is served, the breaking of words which no one has heard ?  Here's to a breaking of bread.  Hope it's not too far off ahead.  Sharing thoughts that we've bred, we find friends in those who just said something true.  From me to you, it's the best we can do.

Too late, it's passed away from us.  No, it wasn't sent for you and me.  That was meant for someone else's story.  You and I are, better off by far...  without it.

So for now, reflection rules my mind.  Empathy rules my heart with this pain inside.  It's the pain reminding me that I have a soul.  Present in the here and now, it builds my faith in wisdom somehow.  Those are my heroes.  Those are my guides.  No need for a crown.  No good reason to hide.

And the moon's now found the horizon.  Something to focus our eyes on.  Because hope always puts a prize on, that which our hearts may inspire from.

Love lies in between the case of life and the case of death.  Both are included within us, consistently and constantly, though rarely balanced in regard to one another.  Although I am certain life is the mirror image of death, I'm not entirely sure what to do with either of them.  Indeed, the very nature of perceiving without any prejudice may very well be impossible in my lifetime.  However, the obvious tendency of my tenderness to recoil from the light of the perceived social commentary, proves me no better at reaching out to you than to anything or anyone else.

Ever since I can remember, I have been in possession of an avid curiosity of how my mind works in relation to the social contract, which is inherent in all aspects of living.  It will almost certainly lead to my downfall.

You see, our individual concepts of life and of death are colored by the tendencies of our minds to decipher the collective reality.  Each of our personal spiderwebs of sensing relative intellectual, physical, and emotional connections... they affect everything and everybody existing around each of us, much as with the concept of the butterfly effect.  Supposedly belonging to all, it is that which is infinitely interlocking with everyone's contributions to a collective consciousness, accessible to every last one of us.

Three-pronged manifestations (emotional, physical, and mental entities communicated into existence), and their measured scale, expand and contract dependent upon the amount of information being present.  Also, I tend to notice its presence (the 3-pronged manifestation) when I don't feel conscious of my humanity.  That is, it begins when I don't feel my heart and soul's presence within my chest, when my breathing is erratic, when my mind is racing, and when my anger has welled up with an inability to shake off the overwhelming sense of foreboding.  This preoccupation involves solving the mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing matter at hand.  That problem and my preoccupation with solving it, feed off of each other, causing the 3-pronged manifestation to grow exponentially and without bounds.

It is imperative to remember that all three of them are measured internally (to define and communicate a quantified factual statement), and measured externally (to associate proportion in degrees relative to one another).  Without the two associations, it becomes impossible to communicate relevance in all things.  Everything is measured in quantifiable, relative degrees.

It's important to realize that all things in life and death are relative to one another in varying degrees.  Spirituality, science, philosophy, emotion, intellect, nature, music, prayer, birth, death, sexuality...  everything can be quantified and laid out in definitive measurement.  I can't stress it enough: everything is associative in varying, relative degrees.

Keep the complex nature of the inner workings within you.  Allow yourself to feel their totality in every fiber of your being.  Be replenished and fulfilled.  Know what you know; don't know what you don't know, and move on.  Now, in this moment...  let it all go.


“The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will turn you into an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass, God is waiting for you.”

-- Werner Heisenberg

Bear with me...  I'm sharing something that I feel is important, and so it may help somebody else out with what they are going through, also.

Pain grounds us in humility, reminds us of our humanity and our mortality.  It allows us to feel, to develop a sense of empathy.  It helps us because we feel our soul again, destroying the ego, preparing us for better things.

In the complexity of all things being considered, I have found from now and again, a vital untying of the mind.  It allows for more moments of inspiration, when simplicity is revealed for that which was once beyond our comprehension.  Everything just clicks...  falls into place.  And so, we develop a deepening appreciation for all that is beautiful in this existence, and for that which is to come in the hereafter.

That's all that I have to say for now.  I hope that somebody who needed that small revelation, was helped by it.  It may have saddened you a bit, but you'll understand the significance of things once you are grounded again, capable of putting aside little things in order to grapple with what ails you.  Thank you for your time and consideration.  Best wishes for you and yours.

-- Me

• Comment on my instagram:
  "Beethoven didn't have a clue what he wanted to write."
  
  That makes me as good as Beethoven.
  Here's how that sort of makes sense.
  
  See, once you learn Music Theory, you realize that there are no original ideas.  At least, that is what my college Music Theory professor told me. It took me a long time to understand, and I'm still learning.  Aren't we all ?
  
  You simply plug in values into complex formulas and if something sticks, you work off of it.  Don't get me wrong here:  inspiration and flow state matter and help greatly.  But for the moments when the well of inspiration is dry... it may seem wrong to the average man on the street...  but some of my best works (composing music; writing lyrics, poetry, and prose; painting...) much of my work was started by using methods formulas, and skills.
  
  One of my favorite catalysts is the "Auto-correct and Auto-suggest functions on a smart phone.  Simply plug in letters or a word, see what is suggested for the rest of the word, or what is suggested for the next word.  Eventually, a pattern or a sample of what you are thinking about, whether you're subconscious is doing it or what-have-you, will begin to show.  After that, hopefully...  the flow state will come around and voila...  keep working at it, including editing and re-editing, and hopefully after saving a copy and possibly coming back to it...  in short, creating takes time, patience, determination, persistence...  real work, and it very rarely goes as expected.
  
  For music, it's a bit of the same.  Plug in chords, notes, time signatures, tempo...  then see what comes from the process.  In one sense, the old saying goes...  if at first you don't succeed, try and try again.  One of my favorite tracks came from a process known as the matrix.  Not the movie.  The music started with me plugging in random musical notes, and then randomly selecting variations on that selection.  Now what came out of it wasn't genius, but I worked around with chords and other notes until the variation sounded something like a song.  Add hours spent plugging away on a drum machine, tweaking and fine tuning.
  
  Then come the lyrics and vocals.  Writing harmonies, melodies, and rhythms can be completely planned, but rarely is that the case.  I like to start with writing lyrics, taking an instrumental track that I composed before that point, and then improvising a vocal (singing along, doing spoken word, or a bit of both).  Edit and re-edit until you collapse and poof...  you have a rough draft to edit and re-edit some more at a later date.
  
  The key thing to remember is, change things up as much as possible until you think that you've tried every possible variation.  Then, try something new.  Then you meetup with the band and/or producer, and change it up again.  Time, patience, determination, persistence...  real work, and it very rarely goes as expected.
  
  In fact, this blog came as completely unexpected.  I simply discovered I had more to say about this beautiful mess.  So, I used what I had written, plugged in some variables, and voila...  a rough draft to edit and re-edit some more.
  
  In reality, you're only done when you reach a self-inflicted deadline, or a deadline that was set by somebody else.  Deadline for my weekly blog reached, and I'm done.
  

Yesterday, I spent rummaging through old emails and journal entries.  This piece didn't fit either of those, but it was through the process of revisiting those emails and journal entries that I rediscovered an older piece of writing.  After some redevelopment and reworking, this is the rough framework for a narrative chapter in "Glass Mountain Spirit".


I'm going on with trying to put into words, well… sometimes it intrigues me.  The first thing that comes into my head is my infatuation with keeping a relationship going...  two people who are together, we do everything that we can think of...  working through problems to their resolutions.


I have long been hopelessly dedicated to that cause.  It's been my firm belief that there is always a new way, one more thing...  never stop working.  Relationships can always be improved.  Sure, I had my 20's... years of aimlessly wandering within the confines of random nights, of lost and found souls with similar, brilliantly dark interests.


Still... most of us shared in the notion of a common brotherhood.  Pride, no matter how untrue it may be in practice, gave me a sense of accomplishment and of being wanted.  It's a very dangerous thing, this pride.  Wars are started because of pride.  In the end, there's you holding a rainbow flag in the bitter, freezing breeze.  Your beauty has faded, and the train has left you on the platform: forsaken, forlorn, and finally...  forgotten.


I remember the Asian man who told me that he'd been in a relationship with his partner for 11 years, until his partner passed on.  Even still, when the two of us were done for the night...  he had the uncanny sense to tell me that I shouldn't have sex with every guy who takes an interest in me, and is nice to me.


Sort of like he was nice to me, and took an interest in the backpack that I carried around everywhere that I wandered.  It was my security blanket in a way, filled with notebooks of drawings, poetry, prose, and journal entries…  and out the door it and I went.


In a matter of a few hours, my supposed new brother in arms had lost all interest in me.  So in the regretted end, my tried and true brother wanderlust picked me up and dusted me off.  Then he said, full of confidence:  "whatever happens will be.  Here, I want to show you something."

This is a big deal.

​I can't talk anyone into or away from experimentation with psychedelic substances.  If you've given this a great deal of thought, and still feel that you absolutely need to try walking down that path, please heed these rules.

Stick to the natural kind  .To put a fine point on it, because of our flawed nature, man-made psychedelics are imperfect, have more negative side-effects, and do more damage to our body and mind.

I say this with nearly 100% certainty...  3 reasons:  I am a flawed human being; nothing is statistically absolute; and for the undeniable truth that no two people have exactly the same sort of experience.  To put this another way, our individuality is the keystone.  That is the crux of the matter at hand.

Finally, your experience will affect you immensely, will affect your perception of the nature of consciousness, for the rest of your existence.  I highly recommend that you do this with a close friend whom has experience with natural psychedelics.  That way, he or she can guide you through the experience.  Next, seek out that good friend afterward.  Talk through what happened during your journey.  Recount everything with as great of detail as you can.  Then have he or she recount their journey.  Finally, compare the two journeys in as much depth as is humanly possible.

That is all that I can say, other than do some of your own research before the journey.  That is imperative, so that you don't go into the experience blindly, with your mind completely overwhelmed from being unprepared.  Treat it with a great amount of humility; it deserves your full attention and your upmost respect.  Such is its nature.

 “The Bending of the Light”
– Hobbes Deutsch, Jr.


There’s one certainty that I have.
I know I love you. Never doubt that.
Everything else changes with time.
Thank you, to the bending of the light.

Every day, every sunrise and twilight
colors the blue day and the black night.
Full of perfect, fractured time-space
Inspires cherishing the day and each place
Thank you, to the bending of the light.

Upon each sacred dusk and breaking dawn
The hopes and dreams of our youth are drawn.
With years we change, never winning our fight.
Our rage against the dying of who’s right.
Whether life in good graces, or hiding behind faces
The universe shifts with the bending of the light.

So argue with me about the way the wind blows.
The sweat of mankind toiling in bitter blizzard snows.
Whatever happens will become for each of us
Passing phases of the moon, spreading magic dust.
All praises live on within the bending of the light.

On the other side of midnight, it's a business of the unusual.  Time has passed away, out of my grasp.  There instead lies the problem of what I said and did not do, to claim a moment to reassure myself of my capable health.  Give me strength to carry on within this mystery, before we're gone.

It happens soon enough, nobody's fault... to a portfolio of poor folk we know. A promise or two a year, we fall behind into a clear loss of follow through. Still we pretend our paths do lie in one set direction. Unwavering in an unrelenting tide, we have only died on the inside.

But...  whoever or whatever I'm praying to these days, please help me along the empathetic walk.  I move through a series of loosely articulated lives, no judgment passed on the way.  It will help to distract me for today, for when it gets too insane and hectic to connect it.

I could be dreaming too hard and not working hard enough.  These days my mantra is tied up in three small words:  just do it.  Because when I become lost in all of my dreaming and pondering meaning, there is only one simple truth to choose, and far too little time to lose.

But...  whoever or whatever I'm praying to these days, please help me along the empathetic walk.  I move through a series of loosely articulated lives, no judgment passed on the way.  It will help to distract me for today, for when it gets too insane and hectic to connect it.

I remember you...

I was 19yo when you were 18yo.  As the news started, as they started to tell your story on the 6 o'clock news, I thought to myself...  it could have been me.

I told your story out loud.  No one will forget the man whose life was snuffed out, like a candle with wishes never realized.  I saw that flame, and in seeing his and getting to know him as best as I could, I swore that nobody was going to snuff out mine.

You, Matthew...  I will ring out the honors of you... I won't forget, and nobody I know will pass an anniversary of your death without hearing that bell tolling for you. I'll tell you to the world that I know.

Please, everybody...  look up the boy who was lead out in the truck of two straight boys with promises of sex.  Look up the boy who was tied to a wooden fence, beaten within an inch of his life.  Look up the boy who bled out to the moment almost to death.  Look up the boy who died in a hospital room, never regaining consciousness since the beating ended.

Look up the fucking scumbags who were tried and convicted, not of the murder they committed, but a lesser charge.  Look up the defense of "gay panic".  They lured him out of the gay bar panicking; they panicked driving to the cow pasture with the wooden fence there; and boy were they full of panic, or full of something, in that cow pasture.

I will remember you.  You gave me strength of purpose to rage against the dying of the night, the sense of believing in myself enough to tell your story.  The strength to live, love, and to sing with my soul to tell.  I remember you.

Requiescat en Pace...
mon ami

Waves washing wide, waxing and waning tide,
and the times we tried to make something true.
They were nobodies in the eyes of the giant-sized;
now caught in a typhoon spinning
just off the shoreline, killing.
Uncommon weather led us here,
but away from the eye
where so many go to die.

As this goes, we're happy to play the closed circuits
with electronicity... belting, falling, and rising
again with every melodic muse & harmonic interlude.
We were misguided by promises of good standing.
We composed our music; infused it with meaning,
dreaming of the lights so high and gleaming.
Talented and skilled, in good grace and strong-willed.
Our fortune was set only to rise,
against what we despise.

And the typhoon loomed high within the distance,
so willing to catch them up to the heavens,
propelling them up ever higher.
All the masses shocked by our
decrying, manufacturing, creating a
world for the trapping of minds:
bigger, better, faster, more, now...

Fuck.

This is a sad state of affairs,
when the storm only taunts and dares.
Still so many jump into the waters,
swimming just as fast as they can
to be seen, no doubt by a talent scout.
So many drown without any sound,
in the ravenous, murderous waters.

And so the tempest draws them up,
then casts them out like a styrofoam cup.
Flock to be used and abused, thinking only:
"But what if I make it to the top ?"

"Shocked Open Wide"

If shocked open wide, find solace in time.
Begin to see, and learn from, the connections
intrinsic to all kinds of natural existence.
All persistence in life’s subsistence can be
found there, laid bare in varying degrees
of energy, frequency and vibration.

Search with all six of your senses, then act
to heal the crowded nation within you mind,
atone for the duration of your soul’s time,
perhaps for its salvation, and be patient
while moving for the health of your body.
There’s no promise or point in being sorry.

Experience, decide, and conclude.
It is all that anyone can do.

– Hobbes Deutsch, Jr.

"As children, we are seldom told we have a place in life that is uniquely ours alone. Instead, we are encouraged to believe that our life should somehow fulfill the expectations of others, that we will (or should) find our satisfactions as they have found theirs.

Rather than being taught to ask ourselves who we are, we are schooled to ask others. We are, in effect, trained to listen to others' versions of ourselves. We are brought up in our life as told to us by someone else.

When we survey our lives, seeking to fulfill our creativity, we often see we had a dream that went glimmering because we believed, and those around us believed, that the dream was beyond our reach. Many of us would have been, or at least might have been, done, tried something, if...

If we had known who we really were."

-- Julia Cameron